Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
It's never too late to be topless.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
