Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
