I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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