Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
