I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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