why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
