I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
