the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
