Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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