i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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