we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
