my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
