you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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