i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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