I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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