dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
