Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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