watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize