So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
