He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
