You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
