Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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