Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
