if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
grandma shit on top of the toilet
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
