My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
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