god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Randomize
