guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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