Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
