My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
