he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
We don't watch enough power rangers
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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