My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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