I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
