I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
