Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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