Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Randomize
