that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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