Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
there is puke in my bra ... again
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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