If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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