Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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