ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
