It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
