I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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