Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
