I haven't been this sober since birth.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Randomize
