Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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