I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
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