I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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