Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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