The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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