All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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