I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
