You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
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