im six kinds of drunk right now
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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