That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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