I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
