The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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