In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
