guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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