i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
