My hand turned me down
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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