Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
